So--I've been thinking a lot about honesty lately. Or maybe what I mean is openness, because I can't really think of anyone that I know who is particularly dishonest, but it seems like real openness is rare in a church setting, even though it seems like church should be where we feel comfortable enough to be completely open. This blog by Don Miller might be what got me thinking about this in the first place.
I wish that I felt like it was okay to be more open with people at church. I feel like church should be the place where we can lay out all our problems, be real, be involved in each others' lives, and help each other out. I think lots of people want this. But in my experience it just doesn't work out like this very often. Why is that?? Or is it just me??
I go to a small group that meets every week. We do prayer requests almost every time, but it just occurred to me that we ask for prayer for friends or family or acquaintances but very rarely for ourselves. Is this common? I mean--sometimes it seems like I know more about my group's family & friends than I know about them. Which is sad, I think.
I think that I want to make an effort to share things that are going on in my life at my small group, but I'm not sure how appropriate that is. I guess it's completely possible that everyone in my group has their life together and is completely in tune with God and never has any junk that they are struggling through. I don't think that's true, though. Sometimes I feel like the church atmosphere kind of breeds fake-ness. Or maybe that's just something that I'm imposing on myself. Since everyone else seems to have it together, I feel like I need to pretend that I do, too.
--val
I wish that I felt like it was okay to be more open with people at church. I feel like church should be the place where we can lay out all our problems, be real, be involved in each others' lives, and help each other out. I think lots of people want this. But in my experience it just doesn't work out like this very often. Why is that?? Or is it just me??
I go to a small group that meets every week. We do prayer requests almost every time, but it just occurred to me that we ask for prayer for friends or family or acquaintances but very rarely for ourselves. Is this common? I mean--sometimes it seems like I know more about my group's family & friends than I know about them. Which is sad, I think.
I think that I want to make an effort to share things that are going on in my life at my small group, but I'm not sure how appropriate that is. I guess it's completely possible that everyone in my group has their life together and is completely in tune with God and never has any junk that they are struggling through. I don't think that's true, though. Sometimes I feel like the church atmosphere kind of breeds fake-ness. Or maybe that's just something that I'm imposing on myself. Since everyone else seems to have it together, I feel like I need to pretend that I do, too.
--val
April 28, 2010 at 6:04 PM
Well, my life is far from together. As someone, who likes to think I share everything (and Jon says sometimes I share too much--haha), it floors me that people don't share me. I just don't understand how it's possible to have a real relationship without putting yourself out there 100% and I think that's why it's hard for me to really get close to people because I feel like I am a very open person and others aren't. But, maybe I'm fooling myself and I'm not as open as I think.
But, yes definately think people (definately Christians) need to share more of the struggles, pain, and lean more on their brothers and sisters for support.
April 28, 2010 at 6:31 PM
I think that real openness is something difficult to find in a church. I know from my own experiences growing up every time I was open I was hurt and made to feel like I was wrong for being honest and open. A big situation like this happened to Zach and I a few years ago that had jaded me regarding openness with everyone but Zach and my mom. However, I know that God has really challenged me in this lately. My friend here in Davenport and her husband are two of the most open people I know. And as she shared her heart and her struggles with me my heart softened to sharing mine with her and really taking a better look at myself.
I have noticed the same type of things in my small group, but I think that it is because it is a group that has been around for a while and Zach and I are just now joining so we're still developing trust. However, I got a big boost this last week b/c when I was sharing a really big thing going on I felt like I was not really being paid attention too. Now this is something that has happened to me a lot in churches so I didn't make anything of it, but the next day I got a call from one of the woman apologizing and encouraging me to keep sharing deeper.
I'm not really sure if this is applicable, but...yeah :)
April 29, 2010 at 5:43 AM
kendra--you are very open!! and i am so thankful for you! you are definitely encouraging me to be more open, and i appreciate it so much.
charlotte--you're examples are really encouraging! I'm glad that you have found a couple people who want to share with you. I think it's hard to know how to develop trust if all the conversation is kind of shallow...i don't know. i'm wondering if you just have to put yourself out there before you find out if you can trust people or not.
thanks so much for you're replies!
love ya,
val
April 29, 2010 at 7:46 AM
Wow, I definitely have a lot of comments I could make as to why this is true. And I definitely struggle with openness. At the best Bible study/small group I was ever a part of we didn't do "prayer requests" per se, instead we talked about ways God had been working in our lives since we'd last seen each other. This was cool because I think it really kind of taught me to look for God during the week. I still try to do that, but I certainly miss Him a lot. The thing is, that was really time-consuming. I think I always feel like there's a time-crunch now. Prayer requests, prayer and Bible study in an hour? It takes time for me to relax and feel comfortable even in a group where I've known everyone for a long time. By the time I'm feeling settled we're moving on. And then as a mom I feel constantly distracted...where's this kid? What's that kid up to? Hopefully that will mellow out eventually. And for some reason sharing requests in a group like that always makes me feel the same nerves as giving a speech or something. But I think that's just my introversion.
I think it's really important to really spend time with people while they do life to get a chance to know them for who they are instead of what they appear to be. I vote for a communal homestead where we raise our own food and live in closer contact with each other. :)
April 29, 2010 at 8:03 AM
Nikki--Have you ever heard of the cranberry commune. I'm not when the idea originated, but I know in college in 95/96 Rachel came to visit and they were talking about having a cranberry farm, where we all lived together and raised cranberrys.
It just proves again that you and Joel were the long lost buddies.
April 29, 2010 at 8:16 AM
First of all, it sure is nice to see you post something again. It is inspiring me to do the same:)
Second of all, I totally agree with you. For some reason a lot of churches seem to have a problem with transparency...as in not being transparent. It's a real roadblock to fellowship and "one-anothering." I think you're right...people want to make sure they're known as christians who have it together. Well I for one don't have it together...which i think you already knew :) Also, I think it was you that suggested that we are the ones that have to put ourselves out there. I experienced that recently. A friend of ours put himself out there and you could tell almost instantly that there was a deeper connection amongst the group and it was almost like an invitation for everyone else to be open too.
One more thing...did i hear a "cranberry commune" type suggestion there :)
April 29, 2010 at 8:18 AM
oh, this is Rachel by the way...i can't even remember my old gmail username.
April 29, 2010 at 8:54 AM
Okay, I'm all about the cranberry commune. As long as I can have some chickens. And maybe a goat or two.
April 29, 2010 at 10:28 AM
Definitely chickens!! That's my goal for next year, anyway! I have got to get some chickens!!
I see what you are saying about the time problem, Nikki. That makes a lot of sense.
rach--i probably did say that we need to put ourselves out there! but it sure is hard. i've felt discouraged more than encouraged about doing that lately. which is something i need to overcome, i think. that's pretty great that you guys felt that connection when a friend opened up.
love you guys!
val
April 30, 2010 at 8:36 AM
I follow gentlechristianmothers.com on facebook and here is their most recent status update:
Feeling embarrassed or alone in our parenting struggles can make us want to hide them. Putting up a facade can help us feel safer, but a downside is that it makes it easier for the fallacy of the existence of the "perfect" parent and "perfect" children to spread. The truth is we *all* have our up and down times. Healthy families have struggles, and, by God's grace, learn and grow together.
April 30, 2010 at 3:26 PM
I saw that gcm status, Val, and was going to mention it here! How very timely and true.
And I can't to meet your future chickens.
August 10, 2010 at 6:12 PM
I'm gonna be praying for you girls (Nikki, Kendra, & Val) because it sure seems like you all want the same things: connection, friendship, realness, honesty, openness, and get-down-and-dirty-christianity. I bet you anything that a few more women at church want the same thing, and BAM!, you've got a new women's small group with a new purpose: to know God and get REAL with each other - and I totally think this is what it's all about.