I love reading about relationships & how to make them work, and how to handle conflicts, and the psychology behind it all. I just think that stuff is so interesting--I can't get enough of it! I have been reading a lot about something called the Collaborative Problem Solving method. It's a model for how to handle conflict, basically. There are only 3 steps, which makes it sound easy, but it sure doesn't come naturally to me.
Step 1. Empathy
Step 2. Define the Problem
Step 3. Invitation
It seems like most people really stink at handling conflict. Do you think this is true? I sure stink at it. Sometimes, with parenting it seems like your options are force your children to obey or let them walk all over you. Neither of which I like. I love this problem solving method because you go directly to the person/child who you have a conflict with & you talk it out & come up with a solution that works for both of you. I love talking things out! It seems so practical! And Lucy and Ruby are not too little for this.
So--Step 1 is Empathy which means you make a non-judgmental observation about what the other person is thinking or feeling. You don't have to agree with what they are thinking/feeling--you just have to acknowledge it. This has been such an eye opener for me! It really made me realize that sometimes I have no clue what my kids are thinking or feeling because I didn't take the time to observe it. Quite often I just notice whether or not they are behaving inappropriately & I try to correct the behavior. (Which doesn't work even a little bit with my particular children.) I'm sure it wouldn't work with me either, now that I think of it!
But the tone of our interactions changes dramatically when I use empathy. My kids just want me to acknowledge what they are thinking or feeling at the time. The girls are still pretty little so most of the time they don't tell me what is wrong, they just scream. Or hit. Or whine. But they actually calm down so much quicker if I just take a minute to notice what they are feeling. "Lucy, You are frustrated that Milo keeps coming into your room without permission." Ruby, I can tell that you really wish that we had some ice cream right now. And you are sad that you can't have any." Just knowing that I understand is sometimes enough for them to calm down and behave more appropriately.
I think the neatest part is that using empathy helps me to look at the conflict differently. It helps me to slow down before I make a judgment, look at the situation from their perspectives & kind of understand where they are coming from. I fail to do this several times a day, by the way. But I'm trying & hopefully if I model empathy enough, they will learn how to think about things from other people's perspectives also.
So--what do you think? Do you have any stories or examples or ideas about empathy that I can learn from? It seems like a good way to approach adults that you have a conflict or a disagreement with as well--always acknowledging the other person's feelings first.
Anyway--I've got lots more thoughts on this...so hopefully i can keep up the blogging and talk about this some more!
love ya,
val
Step 1. Empathy
Step 2. Define the Problem
Step 3. Invitation
It seems like most people really stink at handling conflict. Do you think this is true? I sure stink at it. Sometimes, with parenting it seems like your options are force your children to obey or let them walk all over you. Neither of which I like. I love this problem solving method because you go directly to the person/child who you have a conflict with & you talk it out & come up with a solution that works for both of you. I love talking things out! It seems so practical! And Lucy and Ruby are not too little for this.
So--Step 1 is Empathy which means you make a non-judgmental observation about what the other person is thinking or feeling. You don't have to agree with what they are thinking/feeling--you just have to acknowledge it. This has been such an eye opener for me! It really made me realize that sometimes I have no clue what my kids are thinking or feeling because I didn't take the time to observe it. Quite often I just notice whether or not they are behaving inappropriately & I try to correct the behavior. (Which doesn't work even a little bit with my particular children.) I'm sure it wouldn't work with me either, now that I think of it!
But the tone of our interactions changes dramatically when I use empathy. My kids just want me to acknowledge what they are thinking or feeling at the time. The girls are still pretty little so most of the time they don't tell me what is wrong, they just scream. Or hit. Or whine. But they actually calm down so much quicker if I just take a minute to notice what they are feeling. "Lucy, You are frustrated that Milo keeps coming into your room without permission." Ruby, I can tell that you really wish that we had some ice cream right now. And you are sad that you can't have any." Just knowing that I understand is sometimes enough for them to calm down and behave more appropriately.
I think the neatest part is that using empathy helps me to look at the conflict differently. It helps me to slow down before I make a judgment, look at the situation from their perspectives & kind of understand where they are coming from. I fail to do this several times a day, by the way. But I'm trying & hopefully if I model empathy enough, they will learn how to think about things from other people's perspectives also.
So--what do you think? Do you have any stories or examples or ideas about empathy that I can learn from? It seems like a good way to approach adults that you have a conflict or a disagreement with as well--always acknowledging the other person's feelings first.
Anyway--I've got lots more thoughts on this...so hopefully i can keep up the blogging and talk about this some more!
love ya,
val
